Rosie Cotton's Advice Column
by Catmint
Summary: The title says it all, really. Rosie Cotton plays agony aunt to the folks of Middle Earth, who write in with their problems. Please read, review and enjoy!
1. Merry and Pippin, Arwen, Tom Bombadil

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Middle-Earth Monthly

Rosie Cotton's Advice Column

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Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. Never will be. Am making NO MONEY WHATSOEVER from this. So don't sue. Really. The NHS gives me £70 a month; nothing more. 

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A/N: This was (originally, until I posted The 12 Days of Xmas LOTR-style first) my first attempt at a humour fic. The people _will_ seem out of character sometimes; this is intentional, and any complaints about this shall be ignored completely. All flames will be used to toast marshmallows. 

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Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took

Dear Rosie,

We don't know what to do. We have a farmer on our tails that hates us. We really don't know why. He chased us half the length of the Shire and swore to set his dogs on us the next time he saw us. He's clearly overreacted; after all, it was just a couple of carrots. And some cabbages. And three bags of potatoes. And some mushrooms.

How can we go to visit our friends on the other side of his land without this farmer setting his dogs on us?

MB and PT (The Shire) 

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Dear MB and PT,

Apologise to this farmer for taking those crops of his. Offer to pay for them, or else offer your services in helping with the crops (although do avoid taking more) – you may get given some as gifts for your hard work.

Alternatively, leave the Shire until he forgets who the perpetrators are, and what you look like. 

Love, Rosie

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Arwen Undómiel

Dear Rosie,

I am in love with a wonderful man. He is handsome, intelligent, brave, a skilled warrior, and much more. Our problem lies in the fact that he is mortal and I am Elfkind. My father raised my love as his own son after his true father was slain by Orcs (I was living abroad with my grandmother at the time), yet he still loathes our relationship and disapproves most strongly of it. I long to marry my love, but I love my father also. He insists that I must go with my kin over the Sea and leave Middle-Earth. What can I possibly do?

AU (Rivendell) 

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Dear AU, 

Oh dear. You have got yourself into a difficult situation! This man you describe sounds wonderful. Does he truly love you? Are you willing to give up your immortality? If the answer is truly 'yes' to both of these questions, go for it.

Your father is clearly showing signs of OFS (Overprotective Father Syndrome), something all too common in fathers these days. Be grown up about the matter, and sit him down and explain exactly how you feel about this man, in attempt to talk round your father.

Alternatively, you could simply elope and marry in secret in Moria. I understand that it is cheap and there are a number of live-in witnesses these days.

Love, Rosie

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Tom Bombadil

Dear Rosie,

I am most annoyed. I was perfectly happy going along singing to myself when I obtained three strange items – a 'television', a 'VCR' and a 'videotape' proclaiming itself to be 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. So I watched it (following the instruction book, which was in Elvish and Dwarvish, the latter of which I know little), and recognised four hobbits that I met recently.

But where was I? I watched that video very closely, but there was no sign of me or of the Barrow-downs whatsoever! Some Ranger with about ten different names gave the hobbits their swords in this 'movie'. I GAVE THEM THE SWORDS! ME! TOM BOMBADIL!!!

TB 

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Dear Mr. Bombadil,

I am sorry to hear of your exclusion from 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. I can only assume that it was purely due to time limits and nothing personal, as these things do have to be taken into consideration when one is making a movie. I am afraid that you will simply have to learn to deal with the disappointment, like many others. Perhaps you will get an opportunity another time.

Alternatively, complain to the director Peter Jackson or the scriptwriters about this issue.

Love, Rosie

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TBC


	2. Gandalf, Elrond, Denethor, Grima

Rosie Cotton's Advice Column

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Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine. Still not making any money out of this.

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A/N: The second instalment. And before anyone complains, I _know_ there aren't such things as telephones in Middle-Earth. Humour me. It's part of the story.

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A/N 2: Thanks to my kind reviewers. Tears of Red and Black: thanks for the suggestion! I'll be sure to include it in a later chapter! I've actually got one for Wormtongue already (ie. here!) so your letter will appear soon. Promise!! If you e-mail me, I can let you know when it's up.

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A/N 3: If anyone has any ideas for letters (and I really, *really* need Gimli and Legolas, 'cause I'm really stuck right now), please e-mail me! My address is in my profile, or else leave it in a review.

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Gandalf

Dear Rosie,

I have recently discovered that a trusted friend has turned to Sauron and is little more than a puppet of our current Dark Lord, communicating with him through a Seeing Stone, which he keeps in his tower. I attempted to get him to see reason, but he did not heed my words. Instead he imprisoned me on top of the aforementioned (extremely tall) tower, using his magic to injure me badly. How can I make him come to his senses?

GtG 

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Dear GtG,

This is a very serious problem indeed. Your friend has clearly lost his marbles (except for the one in his tower, obviously). Talking to him has not worked. Perhaps you should take the last marble; he may find that the rest are beneath the big one. Then give him some space for a few weeks. After that he will apologise to you and you can become friends again.

Alternatively, you could simply smash the stone on his head. He may have a headache for a while and see stars, but after that he should fully recover and see sense. Or die from a burst blood vessel in the brain.

Love, Rosie

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Elrond

Dear Rosie,

My (now adult) daughter refuses to see reason. She has given her heart and her most precious jewel to a mortal man, one who claims to love her back. He is of Isildur's line and must therefore be weak in the presence of…certain things. My daughter must sail to the Undying Lands where it will be evergreen, and marry within her kin. The man she thinks she loves is reckless and will almost certainly die before the War of the Ring is over, if he does not sort himself out. And now my daughter is threatening to run away with him! What can a father possibly do?

EP (Rivendell) 

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Dear EP,

Clearly, youngsters have less respect for their elders now than they used to. Your daughter must genuinely love this man a lot for her to give him her jewel. Talk to her in an adult manner and refrain from becoming confrontational, but do not ask her lover to give her up. I suspect you are suffering from OFS (Overprotective Father Syndrome), and you need to grow up. She is an adult and is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. It sounds like your condition is serious and I advise you to get therapy as soon as possible (see Contacts box at the bottom of the page).

Alternatively, you could throw her out and she will marry this man anyway.

Love, Rosie

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Denethor

Dear Rosie,

My country is under siege! I am trapped! One of my sons is dead! There is no hope for any of us! The only thing in my possession is lots and lots of wood and oil! My life is over and I long to die.

D (Minas Tirith) 

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Dear D,

Call the Samaritans. NOW. The number is in the Contacts box at the bottom of the page.

Alternatively, use the wood to build a pyre for yourself to burn to death on (not recommended by the healers).

Love, Rosie

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Gríma

Dear Rosie,

I have betrayed my king. Saruman plans to completely eradicate the race of Men from Middle-Earth. I did not plan for this to happen! What am I to do? Help!

G (Rohan) 

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Dear G,

You cannot possibly return to your king, for he will put you to instant death. You could try talking your friend Saruman out of this slaughter/massacre/elimination/whatever you want to call it.

Alternatively, you could join D of Minas Tirith on his pyre and also commit suicide, should he decide to build it.

Love, Rosie

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TBC


	3. Glorfindel, Pippin, Strider

Rosie Cotton's Advice Column

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Disclaimer: still not mine.

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A/N: I apologise for the sheer length of time it's taken me to get this posted, but I had two 3,500-word essays due in and then I had a week's placement with limited computer and Internet access. Please forgive me. I've got 5 chapters typed up; they're simply not posted yet!!

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A/N 2: a huuuuuge thankyou to my kind reviewers!!!

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Glorfindel

Dear Rosie,

It is a disgrace! Just because A is E's daughter, some stupid scriptwriter decides to completely leave me out of 'The Fellowship of the Ring' movie! I am the one who took Frodo Baggins to Rivendell! I am the one who should have had, and deserved, the screentime and attention! After all, there are few indeed who have slain a Balrog (myself being one of them). Yet A gets MY part just so she can spend more time onscreen with her mortal lover-boy! How can I reverse this action?

- G (Rivendell)

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Dear G,

I am sorry to hear that you are upset, but do I detect a note of jealousy in this letter? It sounds to me as though you like to be the centre of attention and cannot bear the thought of scriptwriters adjusting the script slightly away from the turn of events. It is possible that they simply wanted to put more emphasis on the relationship between A and her lover. I suggest you calm down and get over the disappointment. There are more important things in life than five minutes of fame in a movie that probably won't be hugely popular anyway.

Alternatively, you could join forces with Mr. Bombadil, and complain to Peter Jackson and the scriptwriters.

Love, Rosie

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Peregrin Took

Dear Rosie,

As a hobbit yourself, you understand the importance of good, regular meals. I am now stuck on an expedition with three fellow hobbits and a Man – a Ranger by the name of Strider (amongst other things, apparently). The trouble is, Strider refuses to stop between dawn and nightfall. He doesn't seem to understand the importance of second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper! What is a decent hobbit supposed to do?

- PT (The Shire)

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Dear PT,

Oh dear. This is serious, to not know about all the meals in a day. I understand your problem perfectly. Have you tried talking calmly to this Strider about the importance of these meals? I don't believe Men place as much importance on eating lots of meals as we hobbits do – particularly Rangers (and from what I've heard, especially this Strider). Strider should know the importance of food to a hobbit. Perhaps he just needs a little reminder.

Alternatively, you could simply stop and eat all these meals on the journey, whether Strider likes it or not. Priorities, priorities.

Love, Rosie

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Strider

Dear Rosie,

I don't know what to do. It is my destiny to do great things, being of the bloodline that I am – yet I do not desire it. and certainly not without the woman I love. The trouble is, I am mortal and she is an Elf. Her father (also the man who raised me from early childhood) disapproves strongly of our relationship and deems me unworthy of his precious only daughter. She and I are parted most of the time, making matters worse. I also have to cope with four hobbits, one of whom is particularly incapable of thinking about anything besides his stomach. I need your advice.

- S (a Ranger)

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Dear S,

You certainly have problems! Having said that, if you are destined for certain things, in this world, it is best to just accept your destiny. Think of all the other people whose lives you will affect. You have a chance to make a difference! As for the woman you love, if you truly belong together, she will wait for you.

Alternatively, you could elope and marry in Moria (see the Contacts box for Moria Weddings Inc.), and let other people take on your role (and fail at it).

As for the hobbit that is irritating you so much, come to a compromise with his over meals. You have to understand that food is extremely important to our kind. Alternatively, you could just send him back to the Shire. Alone.

Love, Rosie

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TBC


	4. Faramir, Eowyn, Frodo with Sam

Rosie Cotton's Advice Column

Disclaimer: if you've got this far thinking they're mine, I suggest you go back to previous chapters and read the disclaimers there. Oh and one line belongs to Monty Python.

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A/N: I admit it. I couldn't resist putting in a line from Monty Python. Virtual chocolate to the first one to spot it and name the film or sketch it's from! Thanks to my kind reviewers, and as always, any suggestions for further letters are greatly welcome!!

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A/N 2: sorry this has taken soooooooo long, but the computers at uni have been really awkward and haven't let me upload. 

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Faramir

Dear Rosie,

My life is falling apart. I have a suicidal father who is determined to end my life as well as his (something that, unsurprisingly, I do not wish to happen). And whilst I am currently unconscious (so don't ask me how you've got this letter; perhaps we're telepathic). Although, my life is technically forfeit anyway, for releasing two prisoners, especially as I am fully aware of my father's laws. And those wretched Nazgûl are ruining my expedition and causing me to waste precious arrows on them! Never mind that I recently lost my brother, who was slain by Orcs or Uruk-hai. I'm desperate for help!!

- F (Gondor)

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Dear F,

Oh dear. You are in a pretty pickle, aren't you? Get your father to contact the Samaritans (see Contacts box for the number) and they will talk him out of ending his life – and yours. If you released the prisoners and had a valid reason for doing so, don't panic. I'm sure your father will understand.

Alternatively, you could simply not tell him what you've done. After all, what he doesn't know won't hurt him!

As for your brother's death, I am deeply sorry to hear of it. The grief will ease in time. Orcs are a horrid nuisance, aren't they? I cannot help with the Nazgûl – although I am sure that if you ignore them, they will ignore you. They will get bored and look for new victims elsewhere, in time.

Alternatively, you could try to kill them and then they won't bother you again.

Love, Rosie

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Éowyn

Dear Rosie,

I have fallen in love with a man. He is handsome, brave, intelligent, heroic, funny ... I could go on for a long time on the subject of his merits. But alas! He claims to be in love with another, and wears her jewel around his neck at all times - yet she is an Elf, and will surely sail into the West, abandoning him forever. How on Middle-Earth can I get him to fall for me?

- É (Rohan)

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Dear É,

I am sorry to hear of your dreadful predicament. It is certainly an awkward one - yet there is little I can do to help, as this man clearly has eyes only for the Elf and not you, if he wears her jewel around his neck. I am afraid that you will simply have to get over your crush. Look elsewhere, for men who are not taken, and waste no more time pining over one who is taken.

Alternatively, you could brew a love potion and slip it into his drink (see Issue 2 of Middle Earth Monthly for love potions).

Love, Rosie

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Frodo Baggins (with Samwise Gamgee)

Dear Rosie,

We have set out on a hopeless mission to destroy something evil, many hundreds of miles away from home, in Mordor of all places. Yet our group has lost two, and we fear for the others, as we separated from them some time ago. We have been pursued by Black Riders, Orcs, Nazgûl, evil Men, Uruk-hai – to name but a few. What is next? A giant spider? Everything that can go wrong is going wrong, it seems. And our food and water supplies are becoming dangerously low. We fear also that our guide may betray us. Is there no hope? Is this the end?

- FB and SG (of The Shire)

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Dear FB and SG,

Don't give up yet! You still have a task to finish, and folk of The Shire do not give up easily! Hopefully your guide can find fresh water and food for you - although I advise you to be nice to your guide, as you will be more likely to receive better-quality food (highly important to us Shire-folk). As for your group, there is nothing that you can do personally except hope that they are safe and well somewhere. Have faith in yourselves that you can complete this task. I'm sure the time will pass extremely quickly once you start relaxing and stop being so pessimistic! Always look on the bright side of life (as they say).

Alternatively, you could simply go home or give yourselves up to the Orcs.

Love, Rosie

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TBC


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